Got My First Hate Mail

in the form of a 30 minute and 51 second voice note

Well, I guess it’s not my first hate mail. The first time I got a piece of hate mail was in high school when I broke up with my boyfriend and he mailed me an “anonymous” greeting card, blank on the inside except for him writing the words “You’re ugly” in big, black marker. My first vivid memory of a rejected man feeling feelings and lashing out.

However, hate mail has clearly gotten more personal and sophisticated. As demonstrated in the 30 minute Google Recorder voice note a fellow Substacker sent me last night after reading a post about an ex-boyfriend that I wrote a year and a half ago.

Just a brief recap, I wrote about a specific dating experience I had with a man who I called a cuck. In the post, I commented only about the man I was dating. No sweeping generalizations. No judgement of others’ situations. No bitter man hate speech (of which I’m entirely entitled to do if I want). Just a gal. Talking about her experience.

However, to back track, a few weeks ago, the aforementioned Substacker started following me, commenting on my posts, and sent me some messages. Then last night I saw that he had messaged me about a week ago on my Joys of Ex Instagram detailing his experience living with a woman who has been unfaithful and said that not all men who are in this situation are cucks. The email didn’t come across as abrasive or mean-spirited, so l responded.

I said that I agree and reiterated that I was only speaking of my one, singular experience. But then came… the voice note response to me finally acknowledging the message he sent me days ago.

Big feelings were clearly a’brewin’ and he spewed them all out in this almost 31 minute voice note. Or, as one of my friends said “That’s not a voice note. That’s a podcast.” lol

Anyhoo, he began by putting a lot of words in my mouth. Insisted that what I wrote were sweeping generalizations about men and told me that, by acknowledging that I don’t think all men in unfaithful relationships are cucks, I was backpaddling, waffling, and being intellectually lazy.

Here’s Part 1 of some other insults he felt compelled to hurl my way:

• Said I was discounting all men because of my ex.

• Repeatedly brought up me using alpha/beta terminology which I have never once done. That’s not even in my vernacular.

• Didn’t like that I held my ex accountable for his decisions: “Some men are the victims”.

• Said that maybe a “cuck” is just a “wise person or a wise man” who is just “misunderstood”.

• Insisted that if he was a “cuck” (which I never once said he was - I literally don’t even know this guy), he wouldn’t be coming at me the way he was in this voice note. Big strong man standing up to a lady on the internet!

• He haaaated that I used the term “cuck a doodle doo”. Hated it. Said it was my way of telling him to fuck off.

This shit was honestly so wild, I could hardly believe what I was hearing. It’s very obvious to me that he’s projecting. Buddy, you’re not angry with me - you’re angry with your wife.

He then formally RESCINDED his interest in me which is hilarious and extremely presumptuous.

And here’s where he really gets upset and things get progressively more angry. Part 2 of the insults:

• Said relationships in my life are abject failures and I’m not learning from them.

• I’m actually the angry one who is playing the victim.

• I need to look in the mirror and take A GOOD HARD LOOK AT MYSELF.

• Said I’m sharing my opinion because I’m not an authority or expert. That’s what an opinion is, my guy. My thoughts. I never claimed to be a Professor of Cuckery.

• Called me a cuck because I took myself to Jamaica for my 50th birthday. Check mate, buddy! You really got me on that one!

  • “Taking yourself on vacation on your birthday is a really pathetic, sad thing that only a cuck would do. And what were you really celebrating?”

• Said I’m not the “Queen of Honesty” which I don’t recall ever once saying I was?

• Said I need to learn from this. He hopes I evolve. He hopes I look at myself in the mirror (again).

• All of my future relationships will be a failure if I don’t change.

• And much, much more!

This shit was fuuuuuuuuuuuucking wilddddddddddddd. Lots and lots of putting me in my place because he’s DEFINETLY NOT A CUCK AND WANTS ME TO KNOW IT!!!!!!!

And to be perfectly crystal clear, I never once said a single thing about him or passed a singular grain of judgment on him. The ex that I wrote that post about would probably have less to say to me about what I wrote than this guy did.

Can you imagine a 5 minute Substack read from a stranger written about a person they once dated making you feel so angry that you take almost 31 minutes of your life to leave them a message hurling insults and berating them?

A man, who was leaving a complete stranger, a voice note about what a shitty person they are was telling me how I can improve my life and what I need to do to make my life better. The absolute fucking audacity.

Making a woman feel unsafe and judged is how guys like this attempt to take their power back.

I’ve experienced this kind of harassment before from men that I’ve been on dates with or worked with and told them I wasn’t interested. Insecure men who feel like they’ve been rejected or judged feel compelled and entitled to lash out.

As a woman, we can often feel unsafe in our bodies and spaces. Men feel perfectly fine to impose their dissatisfaction with things we do, say, wear, feel, and express. As a woman, I can not imagine sending someone a recording where I belittle their existence.

This is why I am appreciative of the community of beautiful, secure, creative, loving people I have the pleasure to have in my life. I am proud of the person that I am, acknowledging that I am flawed but also kind and loving. A woman who has learned to not internalize a misogynist tirade that intends to make me question who I am at my core.

A woman who is comfortable enough in my skin that if I want to fly to an island in the winter to sit on a beach by myself for a few days and read, I have no hesitation to book that plane ticket.

Sorry, my guy… your tirade doesn’t make me feel bad about myself. Like, at all.

And to any other women who experience this, I hope you never let a man like this make you feel anything less than the stellar being that you are.

Anyway, here’s the recording if you want to listen to it. ha ha

Yikes...