The Cuck I Loved

and reason #227 for why i'm scerred to date again

Mar 17, 2024

The last man I dated was a cuck. In case you don’t know what a cuck is, it’s essentially a man (in this case, a man) who knows his wife/partner is unfaithful and often does little to nothing about it. Or, sometimes they’re really into it but that wasn’t the case here. Anyway, I never fully thought of him in any kind of negative way related to his past until after we broke up. Here’s why…

I was only the third real, long-term relationship that he had in his adult life and he was 53-ish when I met him. His first long-term relationship was his ex-wife of almost 30 years and the mother to his three daughters. According to him, she cheated on him for the better part of their marriage. She embarrassed him many times by sleeping with – or trying to sleep with – mutual friends, her bosses and people in their community. She eventually left him for, and married, the boss she had been sleeping with for the last many years of their marriage. And he was aware of most of this while it was happening or at least shortly thereafter.

The second long-term relationship he had was while he was married. Long suffering and sick of being cheated on (lol), he started an affair with a woman he was working with who was also living with her husband and small child. He and this woman dated on and off for a few years and even both left their spouses for a while and moved in together. However, that didn’t last long and my ex eventually went back to his then wife. Once his wife finally left him for her boss and filed for divorce, my ex went back to pursuing this other woman for several years afterwards who was re-married by that time. But that didn’t phase him. He was still hoping she’d come back to him or at least date him again.

Which brings me to… me. I was his third bonafide grown up long-term relationship. We met several years after his divorce. He had been on the dating scene for a while and had never really found anything massively significant in terms of a relationship that he ever told me about. He & I hit it off really well from day one. We had so much in common, we laughed a lot together, we were on the same page with most things, we had the same dreams for our future – all of those combinations are pretty rare, especially the older we get. We ended up dating for a year and a half.

One of the few pictures of us that I kept because I think I look cute.

However, I never feel like he ever fully let me in. He always kept me at an arm’s length in many ways, even though he expressed countless times that he wanted to “do life with me”. He hid his social media from me and was passive aggressive about my feelings regarding that, when we made future plans it was mostly his plans that he was including me in as opposed to us planning things together as a couple. He went from wanting to get married and even talking venues with me to telling me that he doesn’t want that anymore but still wanted me in his life forever. He hid some things from me I found out later - or just never shared them which is the same thing as hiding. And while I met, and loved, all of his family, including his ex-wife who was absolutely lovely, I still never felt fully let in by him.

But the reason that I realized he’s a cuck was when I ended the relationship. We had dinner together that night and he told me he wants me in his life and future but I still ended the relationship because I didn’t like the way I’d been feeling in it for a long time. I told him that I hoped things could change for us in the future but the second I walked out of his door, I never heard from him again.

I was the only woman in his adult life that had ever been completely truthful, faithful and loyal to him and yet after leaving his apartment that night, I was nothing. He couldn’t get enough of the women in his life who had contributed heartbreak and shame and drama but me…. nah, fam. No thanks. Byeee. Toodles! C YA.

Even when I would contact him to make arrangements for him to get his things and would say “I hope you and your family are doing well”, he couldn’t even bother to say “Thank you.” I got absolutely zero niceties from him. I was kind, loving and generous to him, his family, his children, his grandchildren and his friends but when we were over, that meant nothing.

For years and years of this man’s adult life, he tirelessly pursued women who cheated on him and lied to him and yet the one woman who loved him without betraying him was not worth trying for. It’s still super hurtful sometimes even though we broke up over a year ago.

And in that year plus, I have not gone on a single date. The thought of it is utterly exhausting and, to be honest, scary as hell. The idea of putting myself out there for someone who, may ultimately not appreciate me a year and a half in, is heart wrenching. You invest so much into someone and their life and their family and then… poof. You’re disposable.

This CLEARLY isn’t a feel-good post. Maybe more or less me getting some shit out into the atmosphere that’s been bugging me about the complete shit show that is dating – especially dating in your 40s and 50s. I do hope to someday meet someone but I know I’ll probably have to start, you know, dating, in order to do that so imagine the utter internal struggle raging inside me.

I am still very good friends with a guy I dated in 2016. I talk about my dating stuff, he talks to me about his… Well, we made a pact that this summer we’re going to make a concerted effort to get out and go places together to try and meet people organically vs. on the dating apps. He’s been at them a lot longer than I have these past few years and the news he’s reported from Ground Zero of Bumble and Tinder isn’t good. I can’t even imagine installing them now.

As I’m writing this I do keep going back to something that I believe in firmly as fuck and that is that rejection is redirection. I know I am better off not dating a guy who doesn’t value my worth and doesn’t value the fact that I didn’t cheat on him and was fully a support system to him. I dunno… that shit doesn’t seem like it comes a dime a dozen. But the more I type, the more I see, like, holy shit, all the ways I have invested in myself since I dumped this cuck’s ass is pretty cool. I wouldn’t have done many of these things while I was with him. Shit happens for a reason if we take the time to get curious about what this stage of our life is trying to teach us or how we can use what’s going on in our life now to grow as a person. So, maybe this WILL end up with a positive message. Dump the people who aren’t investing in you and date yo self. Invest in you. Also, you’re probably better in bed alone too. oh snap! I went there!