Valuing Our Vibe

and not letting anyone take it from us

I’m still trudging away on the dating apps. I go on some, I go off. I have such little patience anymore that I often find it hard to keep my profile active for too long. I’m often hiding my profile to take a break then popping back in to see if, miraculously, anything has changed. And it hasn’t. But yet, I keep giving it my bare minimum.

This morning a conversation between Keke Palmer (love her!) and Whoopi Goldberg came across my desk. It resonated so much with me when Keke said:

“I don’t value connection if it doesn’t allow me to be my full self”.

This has been a sentiment I’ve been feeling for years. Because many times when I’ve met someone, they’ve praised me for things they loved about me but then slowly started to chip away at those same things in order to dim my light. What they once admired in me, they resented. If they didn’t have those qualities, why should I?

An insecure man will fuck you up.

I have shrunk myself too often to make someone comfortable and that is something that I absolutely refuse to do anymore. Obviously we all make compromises and tweak things about ourselves and, if that can be done in a healthy way where we don’t lose our essence, great. But my core joy, happiness, optimism for life, my friend and family connections, my excitement about life in general… those are no longer compromises I’m willing to make.

In my dating profiles of yore, I would write that I am not looking for anybody to make my life better - I’m looking for somebody who can enhance the lovely life that I already have. I don’t even bother putting that in my profiles anymore because most men don’t even understand what that means, much less appreciate or respect it. However, I know what I’m looking for and my boundaries are stronger now.

And that usually comes with age and a lot of experience. And I mean a LOT of experience. That also means going longer stints without getting my back blown out. But that’s an unfortunate side effect that I’m choosing to live with. Having higher standards comes with some sacrifices. (Although finding a man to have sex with is like shooting fish in a barrel. It’s pretty easy.)

But back to my point. In my last relationship, his put downs were very insidious. They quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) kept stacking up and, slowly, my joy and my whole vibe was depleted. That ultimately culminated in me going for drives to secretly get ice cream and eat my feelings in my car. I gained so much damn weight trying to fight the battle of who I knew I was vs. what I was currently feeling. And that culmination also culminated in NONE OF MY FUCKING PANTS FITTING ME ANYMORE.

Digressingggg... The back to back of my last two relationships were absolutely spiritual assignments in my life. They were meant to teach me to not compromise the core of who I am for anyone or anything. Not for a romantic relationship, not for a friendship, not for a job… none of it. I generally really like who I am and if you’re not on board,

I am certain that I had to go through all of that in order to get to where I am now. Boundaries are stronger, I respect myself more, I am more loving with the people I allow in my life, my pants are fitting again, and I have also learned when it’s time to stop giving grace to someone when they’re not deserving of it.

Love should never require us to lose pieces of ourselves. Love should enhance our lives, expand our understanding of humanity, and give us the freedom to be who we are. Ultimately, I can be very grateful for my last two relationships. These are lessons that I could not have learned were it not for the hurt. (I’m a “hands on” learner.) I hope for anyone reading this that you always remember that nobody or no thing are worth giving up the innate special-ness that you have cultivated. You deserve love just as you are. xo