The Worst Gift

Unless You're a Mozzarella Stick Edible Arrangement

okay, let’s talk about gifts. The good, the bad and the ugly. The good: anything I’ve ever received that has been Golden Girls or RuPaul/Drag Race-related has always been a win. Also, if a mozzarella stick edible arrangement was a thing, I’d love that too. The bad: a matching Christmas sweater/sock combo that was given to me way before ugly sweater parties were a thing. A Colt-45 t-shirt that I still own, a vegetable edible arrangement. The ugly: getting my heart absolutely broken into a million, billion pieces.

Now, why do I put that last one under the gift category, you say? Well, because the worst heartbreak that I ever experienced in my life turned out to be the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me. It took me years to fully figure that out but, nevertheless, it was a gift.

Here’s where my heartbreak gift began. For years I had been in an on/off relationship with someone. Let’s call him… Cory*. I knew deep down that it wasn’t the right relationship for me but I loved him very much and, despite our dysfunction, I couldn’t picture my life without him. I truly couldn’t. Then one day I found out that he had begun a whole ass side life with another woman and her children. Like, he and I were on dates while, unbeknownst to me, his facebook profile picture was of him and his current girlfriend. gagged!

* That’s his real name. You don’t get anonymity if you try to play me.

Cut to me crying incessantly in bed, on floors, at the kitchen table, while driving, over loaded tots at Wahlburger. I was sending him long ass e-mails in the middle of the night pouring my heart out to him because I couldn’t sleep. I was an absolute fucking mess. It was the realization that I would never have him in my life anymore. I couldn’t. And even though there were some days that he’d call me and tell me he was “confused” and “not sure what to do” and “98% sure he’s going to break up with her”, I knew that even if he did, I’d never get over this betrayal and I had to come to grips that he would never be a part of my future.

Eventually, even through continuous crying, I decided that I was not going to let him and what he did to me ruin me. It was then that I started to do little things for myself every day that started to chip away at the hurt that I was going through and, quite frankly, the damage that this relationship had done to me for a long time and I hadn’t even been aware of it. It started with me following people on social media who inspired me to heal. Then I started to pick up some books and read about healing. I started going for daily walks because it cleared my head. I began to meditate because the few moments of quiet reflection made me feel so good. I started to journal and holy shit when I say the stuff that was revealed to me through writing my thoughts and getting them out of my head. In other words, I started to show up for myself. I started to treat myself like a beloved friend who was going through turmoil and I realized that I’d never really showed up for myself like this in my entire life. I started to tend to my heart and my spirit and I started to love on myself. It was a chain reaction that started a journey to self-love and excitement about my life that I’d never had before. So, I guess, when something seems like an absolute insurmountable burden, it helps if we can start to ask “What might this experience be trying to teach me?” Asking myself those questions completely changed the trajectory of my entire being.

If you’re going through something tough like this, please, do not give up hope. You never know what an absolute gift could be awaiting you under that harsh wrapping. Life happens for us – even when we can’t see it. So, keep going and don’t ever let someone’s low vibe-ry fuck with you. Let go, surrender, start taking care of yourself. Karma can take it from here…